Letters to Buffy
by Captain and Fearless Leader
Summary: After Buffy dies in "The Gift", Spike writes letters to her...
1. Chapter 1

Letters to Buffy....  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine...but I wish it was...then I would be rich and I would own Spike...that'd be fun...  
A/N: This was an idea that came to me one day.I thought I'd give it a try. This is basically following the episode "The Gift". Spike writes letter to Buffy in a journal. A lot of these will be pretty angsty.I don't know how long it'll be, I'll go through their summer up until the point Buffy comes back. The chapters will come as I get inspiration and ideas..it's hard to say how far apart each chapter will be. I will be writing two stories at the same time, so bear with me...I don't know any dates pertaining to this, I'm going to try to stay as accurate as possible. I may be off on some things.  
  
On to the story.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
May..  
  
Day 7  
Dear Buffy,  
  
You died last week. That sounds so strange, still foreign on my tongue, and not necessarily a good way to start a letter, but it is the truth.  
  
You jumped off a platform.but I suppose you know that having been the one who did it. You broke our hearts, 'lil bit is barely holdin' on. She misses you. The whelp and Anya are engaged. I'm not sure whether to be happy for them or not.  
  
Giles left to go back to England. It was right after your funeral. It was a day one..the sun was bright and you were shaded by trees. I wasn't there, not directly, I was hidden in a crypt. As much as I wanted to go visit the sun, I couldn't let myself. Dawn needs me too much.  
  
You'll be happy to know that Glinda has gotten better. Her brain's been restored and she is happy, all things considered. I never see Red anymore, I only know what Tara tells me when she comes to visit Dawn.  
  
I hope you don't mind, I'm staying in your basement. Though more often than not I end up on the Bit's floor, next to her bed. I think she's having nightmares. I haven't really slept since everything happened, so I don't know if I'll dream.It's been 7 days..7 days of hell...and I still don't know what I'll do without you.  
  
I'd like to tell you that I haven't cried..That I've been strong but then I would be lying. I've cried.a lot. That's what most nights are like, it's so cold without you...I've lost the sun...  
  
I love you...  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
End of May..  
Day 18  
Dear Buffy,  
  
I never have much time to write. Never realized what living with a teenage girl is like. And not only just a regular teenage girl, one with the most emotional baggage in the world. But I can't blame her...she needs someone to vent to.  
  
I had my first nightmare about 'it' last night.  
  
~I was standing on the platform..Doc had already cut Dawn.blood was flowing down her legs. The portal had opened and there was no going back now. I drank a small amount of the blood that Dawn had lost. And then I jumped into the portal.instead of you. ~  
  
When I woke up, I was devastated to find out that I really hadn't save you. I cried the rest of the night. I never used to cry in front of people, not even when I was a human. But there is..no, I guess it wouldn't be 'is'..what you are is in the past now..we'll all start saying things like 'was', 'were', 'back then'.. You struck something inside of me and now I don't care if anyone sees me crying. I think it is a bit unnerving to them all. The Big Bad who cries..  
  
Does it ever get better? Will this hole in my gut ever go away? Your death is just the first of anyone that I care about..this ache in my heart in permanent..  
  
~ Spike  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
June  
Day 25  
Dear Buffy,  
I'd like to say things are getting better.but they aren't.  
  
I get sick most nights, I can't eat. I think Dawn is starting to worry about me. I tell her not to, she has herself to worry about.  
  
The witches are planning to move in. Honestly, I don't mind. As much as I love the bit, she needs some females around here. They're going to stay in your mum's room. Nobody goes into yours. I don't think the door has even been opened since that night. You were the last one in it.  
  
I've been teaching the bit a little. She's missed a lot of school and I figured I would be able to help out a little. Mostly in the English and History areas. Red would be able to help her with math. She's good at that kind of stuff.  
  
You'd be proud of her, Buffy. Dawn is so smart She told me that she's going to live for you. Someone has to.  
  
It's so strange being here anymore. I feel like I belong and I haven't felt that way in a long time. It is different. I think that maybe they feel obligated to let me be there. I don't know if it was because they saw me crying or they know that I truly tried to save you and Dawn. Hopefully it was the latter. I may feel sad but I don't want to be a ponce.  
  
I still miss you.  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
A/N: Please tell me what you think. I want to continue with it but if it sucks then I might just decide to screw it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: They aren't mine.....Oh how I wish they were......then I'd be rich and have a Spike all to myself.......Isn't that just the greatest fantasy?  
  
A/N: I wasn't sure if I was going to continue this but i have gotten a few different ideas so I've decided to keep going with it. The days associating with the months probably won't be accurate. I'm just going to try to make sure that days 146 and 147 are in September.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
June  
  
Day 38  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
The bit started her 'summer school'. Red's been teaching her math. Dawn hates it. She gets this glazed over look in her eyes. I sit there trying not to laugh. It is the funniest thing. Red told me that's the same look you used to get at school, or when Giles was telling you something.  
  
I've been talking to Tara a lot lately. She's very smart, just quiet. I know what Red sees in her now. None of them never talk about you. Xander acts like it is some forbidden thing. To talk about the dead. Dawn and I sometimes talk about times we remember but she usually doesn't like to. She doesn't like crying. I think that maybe it makes her feel weak.  
  
I can tell that Red thinks of you. Her eyes get misted over and she gets real quiet. Tara is the only one that talks about you with me. Somehow she seems to make things better. Maybe it's just her soft voice. Sometimes that's all it takes to make someone feel better. A soft tone.  
  
We all miss you...  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
June  
  
Day 43  
Dear Buffy;  
Giles came back today. He acts like a zombie most of the time. Like a machine that is only meant for a job, because that's all he does. Everything is all about patrolling. Keeping the Hellmouth safe.  
  
I'm going to start patrolling tonight. We are going to be in shifts. Red, Tara and I are going tonight. Giles, Xander, and Anya tomorrow night. I won't be surprised that we'll eventually all be doing this together. You Scoobies seem to like being together. But I guess it really isn't a bad thing.  
  
I think the point of the shift patrolling is so that someone can watch Dawn. We've decided to respect your wishes, as much as she hates it, and keep Dawn away from all the nasties of the night. She doesn't like being protected. I think she doesn't like feeling helpless. I don't blame her.  
  
I got a job last week. You're the only person that will ever know this. Well, technically only the piece of paper I'm writing this on will know, but that's not really the point. I work at a demon bar over by Willie's. It doesn't pay a lot, but Dawn needs to eat. And I'd like her to have clothing when she goes back to school. This'll probably be only a summer job. I can't stand the bloke that owns the place as it is. Don't think I could manage working for him year 'round.  
  
I've started teaching Dawn a little about history. She gets bored with that two. But it helps that I've been there to see some of it. She usually enjoys the stories I tell her. And don't worry..I skip the gruesome parts.  
  
I think of you all the time. And I know that we all miss you.  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
June  
  
Day 48  
Dear Buffy,  
  
The dreams have gotten worse. I wake up nightly with them now. Each night with a different way I could have saved you. Sometimes way before the night that you died. Getting you to believe that Ben really was Glory. I think Dawn stills has them too. I don't sleep up there as much anymore but some nights it gets bad. Just being with her makes it a little better. We put a little cot up there so I don't have to sleep on the floor. That was Red's idea. Said she felt bad because everyone should sleep in a bed.  
  
Every week we have a movie night. We find the stupidest movies we can find, watch them, and make fun of them. Never thought I'd see the day where I'd look forward to a movie night as much as I do now.  
  
Red's been workin' on the BuffyBot. I hate the fucking thing. She's been programmed to be, well, to be you. But she's not you. Nowhere close. She had a sickening sweet smile on her face, and she acts like she's you. But she isn't. She hasn't been completely reprogrammed though. She stills follows me around, flirts with me, always trying to touch me in some way. I don't like it, luv. I thought that losing you was hard, but then being reminded of it and having it shoved in your face every day by having her around makes it worse.  
  
I wish you were here. Not her. I love you..  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews, they really mean a lot to me. I hope to get a new chapter up soon, but I won't make any promises. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If they were mine I'd be a happy little beaver. Hell, I'd even share them.but some people *cough* Joss *cough* Don't like sharing...that's just rude...  
  
A/N: This story has really grown on me and enjoy writing it. I'm going to try to make these chapters longer but the letters are harder to write than I thought they'd be. I went and made a big list with dates and days on it to sort of make it realistic. Now, if I'm not mistaken, that the 6th season actually started in October. I'm fairly close with my days and dates. Day 147 I have figured as being Sept. 29.I think it is close enough and I don't plan to refigure all of them because that took a damn long time. I haven't been putting the dates on here because I hadn't figured them out, but I think I'll put them on now..*sighs* Always knew math was good for something.*grins*  
On to the story.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
June 26th  
Day 52  
Dear Buffy,  
It rained today. It never rains in California. Though I have to tell you that I didn't mind so much. When it rains I get to go out in the day.but so do the other vamps. We spent a lot of the day in the cemetery lookin' for vamps that decided that they'd take advantage of the rain. There wasn't too many of them, but enough to take up a whole afternoon.  
  
The BuffyBot has still been coming with us. She obnoxious, cheeky, and grabby. I especially hate the grabby part. It has almost become a source of amusement for everyone. The question of the day.'What will the BuffyBot do to Spike today?' The only reason I haven't blown up over it is because it seems to be the only thing that puts a smile on Dawn's face. Kind of ironic..She hates the thing as much as I do, but she says my face expressions are priceless.  
  
Red and Tara are trying to teach Dawn how to cook. Instead of those awful tortilla things she likes so much. Those things disgust me.and I drink blood. Today we got omelets. Red figured that since Dawn already knew how to "cook" things that fold, this would be an easier start.  
  
Tara's was good. Dawn's? Not so much. At least she is trying.  
  
Things have gotten a little better. It's easier when we are busy and don't have time to think. It is worse when we have to sleep. It helps to be with others. Never in my life or unlife have I ever been to so many sleepovers.  
  
Love you...  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
June 31st  
Day 57  
Dear Buffy,  
  
I visited your grave today. It made me feel like I had a hole in my stomach. You were never supposed to get under my skin like this.  
  
You were just supposed to be my third. Three dead Slayers under my belt would've been great. But now, thinking of that, makes my stomach do flip flops and I can't think straight. This bloody chip in my head...that's what started it luv. Made me unable to hurt you or any other humans. You became more real. It was almost as if without the chip I was in smoke and I couldn't see humans for what they are.other than just food.  
  
It's getting so hard, pet. This burning in my gut never goes away. But I think it's worse when everyone is gone. Red and Tara took Dawn to see your father. I didn't want them to go.they are all I have to talk to. Giles never says anything, his eyes speak for themselves. The grief is overwhelming. Seeing his grief makes mine worse.  
  
Anya only talks about sex or money. Not really in the mood to talk about either. Xander and I share an unsaid agreement. We both understand that we each are feeling pain and anguish, but we won't ever talk about it to each other. We aren't friends..only allies. And that's good enough for me.  
  
You know what? It wasn't the chip that did this to me. My feelings have been like this for a long time, now that I think of it. Dru had told me that you were floating about inside my head..that you wouldn't go away. She was right. You've always been there, being different. I hate you for it. And I love you for it.  
  
I can't do this anymore..  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 4th  
Day 61  
Dear Buffy,  
  
They won't leave me in the house alone anymore. Giles had come to the house in time to see me attempt to drink a bottle of holy water. I've been sleeping on the couch and someone usually sleeps down here with me. They don't want me to be alone at all. Most of the windows are covered up and it makes the house so dark. I don't want to be in the dark anymore...but I lost what little sunlight I had when you died.  
  
Red's asleep on the couch. All snuggled up. She shouldn't be down here with me. She should be up there with Tara. Now I only feel like a problem. Something else for them to fuss over and take care of.  
  
I promise I won't do that again. I won't end my unlife. I'm promising that to you.and I promised them.  
  
Dawn needs me too much  
  
Now I only need their trust.  
  
I wish you were here. Everything would be simple. I would live in my crypt, you'd be here in this house with your friends...your family. I'd only be acknowledged when you needed help...and used for rounds of 'kick the Spike'.  
  
At least then I knew where I stood.  
  
Now it's just a mess.  
  
Red's starting to wake up. I suppose she'll want to have another heart-to- heart. Lucky me.  
  
Miss you.love you.  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
A/N: Yay! Another chapter done. I watched "Angel" yesterday. I love Wesley...it was great. Wesley, Spike and Oz need their own show. I'd watch that one too. Please review and let me know how this story's doing. There will be at least 10 chapters in the whole story, so we've still got a few to go..I'm going to be gone most of the weekend so don't expect a new chapter until at least Sunday. If I'm lucky I'll get one done for tomorrow, but not likely..  
  
Be happy...Give Spike a hug. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Please...can I have Spike? I'll be really good (unless he doesn't want me to but that's another story)..and...and..I'll share..really..I will..What? You don't believe me? Well fine...I didn't really want him anyway..really...I think I'm gonna cry..*whimpers*..  
  
A/N: I thank you all for your wonderfulness and just being you! Sorry it took so long for an update, this one is a little more difficult than I originally thought.  
  
Vamos!  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 9th  
Day 66  
Dear Buffy,  
You'll be happy to know that I've gotten better pet. Well then, maybe you wouldn't. Either way I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment. I think a lot of it has to do with Tara. She's just always there, ready to listen. I've told her more about myself than I've told anyone. Maybe you wonder why I haven't told you in these letters, well, part of it is that putting it on paper makes it seem like a history lesson. Like you're reading it out of a book. And I also like to think that where ever you went makes you able to know that kind of stuff. Wishful thinking I guess.  
  
The whelp and Anya are getting closer. And everyone thought it was bad before. Sometimes I think Dawn isn't old enough to see what they do to each other in public. Sometimes I wonder if they are old enough to do those things to each other. When I told the girls that they just told me I was old.  
  
They don't hover as much anymore, though Willow won't let me sleep in the basement anymore. But I still keep my stuff down there. That's usually where I go when everyone leaves. It's quiet and dark.  
  
The girls had looked through my stuff the other day..bloody bints...and realized that I like poetry. And of course Dawn remembered how I told her that I once was an aspiring poet. When she told the witches they had immediately demanded that I write something..so here is my attempt.  
  
*You try to hide it*  
  
*But I know you feel what I do*  
  
*the nights are long*  
  
*sleep is lost*  
  
*I'm drowning in you*  
  
*You hear my voice*  
  
*It screams your name*  
  
*And it's all just the same to you*  
  
*And now you're gone*  
  
*I've lost the sun*  
  
*I don't know what I'll do*  
  
*I'm still drowning in you*  
  
*I don't think*  
  
*It'll ever be the same*  
  
*Without you here*  
  
*I think I'll go insane*  
  
*The days are slow*  
  
*My heart is broken*  
  
*And I still need you*  
  
*And I'm drowning in you*  
  
*I'm lost in you*  
I haven't showed it to them yet. I probably will tomorrow. Somehow, writing it to you, makes me feel like you get to see it before everyone else.  
  
I'm not really sure of how good it is, I never was all that good of a poet. But maybe time will have changed things.who knows.  
Miss you.  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 12th  
Day 69  
Dear Buffy,  
They actually liked the poem, luv. I didn't think they would. Well, at least not the witches. But I figured Dawn would've liked it, even if it was only to spare my feelings. Don't know why they need to spare my feelings.I'm the Big Bad...my feelings don't get hurt.  
  
Not at all..  
  
Ok, so you don't believe me, but I'm positive I could make them believe that.  
  
Well, ok, maybe not the witches, or Dawn, or even Rupes but I know I'm still good at pissing off the whelp, so all is good.  
  
I've made a large amount of money from the demon bar. None of them like me all that much, being the "slayer's bitch" But I've given up on caring about what they think. With that money we get groceries, which is a good thing because everyone is always either over here or at the Magic Box. And I have a small amount saved for clothes for when the bit goes back to school. I know it is early to be worried about her going back, but I found that worrying about things like that make me stop thinking about you.  
  
Tonight's my night to patrol. Lucky me. Bloody BuffyBot follows me around and talks about my naked chest all night. Red can't seem to fix it either. Guess we are just stuck with her that way.  
  
That's it for tonight..  
  
Love you..miss you..  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 17th  
Day 74  
Dear Buffy,  
Last night we all went to the Bronze. We haven't done anything like that in a group in a long while. I suppose we were all tired of hiding with our pain. Or maybe we were afraid to go there because there are too many memories that involve that club and you. I can think of many off the top of my head and I haven't been one of your chums as long as they have.  
  
When I looked out into the crowd of dancing people I saw you. I remember that first time I saw you. Swaying, moving with the rhythm of the song, moving like a Slayer. I knew at that point you'd be my third.  
  
You were my third...and by then I didn't even want you dead...Some irony.  
  
I'm still having the dreams..hell.. I have them every bloody night. Last night I was able to stop Doc from getting to her. He never cut her and you never had to jump into the portal. You had come up and hugged me. You have never hugged me before. And then I woke up..very bittersweet. I save you and then I wake up. Its dreams like that , dreams where I save you, that make me want to stay asleep and never wake up.  
  
I only let myself wake up for Dawn. I made a promise and I will always keep it.  
  
For you..  
  
For her.  
  
For all of them.  
Love you...miss you, pet.  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: And just to let you know, that poem above was written by me... I didn't steal it from anyone.*grins* Wish me luck on the next chapter.if you have any ideas about what could happen in between now and when she comes back give 'em to me..if I like any I might use them..(  
  
Be happy....Give Spike a hug 3 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I've got Spike chained to my bed.he's all blindfolded and he doesn't know where he is..shhhh..don't tell him that I don't own him or BtVS..its a secret..  
  
A/N: Aloha to all...I wish I was in Hawaii...preferably with Spike but I'll take what I can get..so I'll just take Spike ;) I have a small rant to go off on so bear with me...Who hates Kennedy? *raises hand and jumps up and down* I think that they should bring Angelus back for a few moments and he can torture and kill her and stuff. Hell..kill the principal while your at it..we could bring Riley and have a party..in Hawaii!!! If only I were Joss...  
  
Leemos!  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 23rd  
Day 80  
Dear Buffy,  
I HATE that BLOODY robot. She's gonna get us all killed.I swear it. She looks like you and on occasion sounds like you. But that about it...a demon that we needed to fight tonight wasn't 'programmed' in her system, so she didn't know that she needed to fight him...hell, I didn't even know she needed programming for that kind of thing.  
  
Stupid bloody bitch... All sickening sweet and the one true dumb blonde. All she is a killing machine that wants to get into my pants.. I mean she's been there before, but its different this time..that's probably because I don't want her this time around. She's not you..  
  
Dawn and Red went to your grave this morning and planted flowers there. They think that you should have something pretty for you to look at. They still get teary eyed thinking of you.and that brings a little bit of comfort.knowing that we haven't moved on yet..and they will, one day.  
  
Life is too short for them to dwell on your death..they need to live their own...but I have all the time in the world..100 years form now I'll still be grieving for you. Probably even stay here and take care of your head stone. Because that's really all that I've got left.  
  
Riley called yesterday..don't really know what he wanted, they didn't tell me. I suppose they knew I'd just get angry. I don't think that they told him that you were gone. I don't know whether to laugh or to feel bad for the bloke. Naturally I laughed but I did actually think about it for a moment.  
  
Goodnight luv.  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
July 29th  
Day 85  
Dear Buffy,  
Xander and I went drinking last night. It was a different experience..I've never just hung around with him and had a decent conversation with the boy. He's not so bad..but you're the only one that will ever know that..Got a reputation to protect and all.  
  
Boy can't hold his liquor all that well though. I had to carry him home and he puked most of the night. Got hit over the head from Anya. Because now it's my fault that Xander had too much to drink.  
  
I think partially, for us, it was a way to heal...another way that we move on..we've broken down a couple of barriers and now we can consider ourselves 'almost, but not quite, friends'. We can get hammered together, and then talk about you...or any other kind of pain for that matter...without it looking bad. Alcohol is always a good excuse.  
  
Now I'm stuck in the bloody basement..my punishment from Dawn and the witches. I guess I really scared them with the 'holy water' event. Somehow she linked mine and Xander's drunkenness to wanting to die. So I must sit here and get over the hangover and 'think about what I've done'. Bloody women.  
  
But I suppose I can see their point in wanting me in the basement..it's very quiet and they must've figured that the best way for me to feel better from it was to have quiet. Dawn even brought down a shirt of yours that still smells like you. She's kept it up there with her but figured that I might need it...It really does smell like you...a lot.  
  
It helps.the shirt..makes me feel like I'm not alone...I hate being alone, I always did. But I always found myself being alone...it's strangely ironic..the thing you hate the most is always there, ready to make life miserable.  
  
You know what... I wish I was still drunk...at least that way there is something else in here other than loneliness... Maybe Dawn will let me back upstairs... That helps a little..  
  
Love you, pet...  
  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
August 2nd  
Day 89  
Dear Buffy,  
I'm still having the dreams..every night...You won't go away.you're always there, in my mind.  
  
I see it every night...how you jumped off and into the portal...your determination...your love for your sister, for your friends...the world.  
  
You make think we have nothing in common...but I think we have more than you will ever know..  
  
We both want the world, and everything in it to keep going...And I see why you did what you did.to save her..to save the world...  
  
The best way for a Slayer to die is in flames...with the ultimate dance...I used to think that I could give you a death like that.a part of me still thinks I can.. but you died with glory..no pun intended...  
  
And then everything you did will be diluted.. You'll just be a name on a page with a small excerpt explaining how well you fought and that you died in battle...just a picture in a book of millions...I like to think that you'd be more special than that..you deserve more luv.  
  
In the dream I see your mates cry.. I see them fall to the ground in grief.and it almost makes me feel like I don't belong.. The world doesn't need me..it never really did. I should've jumped, I should've did something...anything...  
  
The world didn't end that night..but mine did..  
  
I love you Buffy..  
~ Spike  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: I'm sorry that took so long to update... I do what I can... Hope you liked the chapter..  
  
Be Happy....Give Spike a Hug. 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: That's right! I'm Joss' love slave... And in return he gives me rights to BtVS.. Yup... And he even let's me borrow Spike once in a while.. Really... stop laughing... 's not funny...  
  
A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in forever. School and friends got in the way.. Damn them. But summer is approaching and I won't be in school for a few months, which gives me time to focus on my writing. I'm going to try to update as often as possible... as long as I'm motivated I suppose. Drop me a review to let me know how I'm doing.. even if its yelling at me for never updating..  
  
Read on...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
August 7th  
  
Day 94  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
I refuse to ever go shopping again. EVER. I had no idea that women could make a sound that high pitched. I swear that if I wasn't a vampire I wouldn't have been able to hear them. Only dogs could. But it made Dawn happy and I think that is important. Doing things seems to keep her mind off of everything, and its good for her. She needs some happiness in her life.  
  
I wish I could say that I was getting better...That I sleep and that I don't cry anymore....I really wish I could but I can't. I've become good at hiding it, they don't seem to notice that I'm not getting any sleep because I am good at pretending to be getting sleep. And with the crying? Well, I do that when I am pretending to sleep so it all works out ok.  
  
You see, now I just feel like a poofter telling you all this. It was easier when we were all grieving in the open, everyone was expected to cry and be sad. Now we all hold it in and we don't talk about it. Dawn and I don't even anymore, I just go up there each night and sleep on the floor. Maybe that brings her some comfort, knowing that I'm there.  
  
I still miss you, I think I probably always will..  
  
~ Spike  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
August 12th  
  
Day 99  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
Dawn's actually made a few friends over the summer, annoying 'lil chits but you get used to them. I can only remember one of their names, I think it is something like Janice. And the only reason I remember that is because she always manages to find a way to flirt with me. I guess as long as Dawn's happy.  
  
Xander and I shoot pool on a regular basis now. He's better than I thought he'd be but I still kick his ass every time. Gives me something to look forward to each week. More often than not we end up piss drunk at the end of the night and then we have Anya to deal with. I usually get into more trouble than Harris. But I think that's because he sleeps with her and I don't.  
  
I'm starting to worry about Willow. I haven't mentioned this to anyone, especially her, but I worry that she is using too much magic.. For little things. I won't go into detail, but I've had my trouble with magic. I know Tara worries too, I can see it on her face when Willow attempts to do something new. But I think I'll just stay out of it. I've always been the Scooby on the outside... Well, I guess you can call me a Scooby now.. Whatever I am I'm on the outside. Most times its just easier to be an observer... and maybe you'd scoff at that... that I could be less judgmental and just observe... well, I do that better than anyone will ever know.  
  
I'll always love you pet... I hope you're not where they think you are...  
  
~ Spike  
  
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August 17th  
  
Day 104  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
These last couple of days have been hard. The rise in vampires have steadily gone up and we can't figure out why. The Bot has become even more obnoxious, and Dawn is a moody teenager. Only two of those things I can complain about openly.... the only thing more scary than a Slayer with a stake is a moody teenager.  
  
I don't sleep anymore. I'm out all night slaying with your mates and then being haunted by your face when I sleep. The dreams have gotten more intense.. more vivid and realistic. I usually wake up gasping.. Reaching out for you. On more than one occasion one of the witches or the Bit hears me and comes running down the stairs to check up on me..They say I scream before I gasp and that's what brings them down... I don't remember the screaming. You haunted me when you lived. and you still do it from your death. You're a remarkable woman Summers.. only you. I'll live forever.. and you'll always be there, haunting me... making wish I had done everything smarter.. faster..... better... than maybe I could've watched you longer. That's all I could ever do.. Watch you.. But I think that is all that I really needed...  
  
Now I'm going to make an attempt at sleeping. Maybe today the dreams won't be as harsh..  
  
Love you always.  
  
~ Spike  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: That's all that I have for you know. Look for a new chapter within the next week... while I go work on my other two stories.. Thanks for your patience.... Hopefully I still have readers..  
  
Be happy... Give Spike a hug... 


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